what am i having

Proud of BBF from getting the study trip to California from her competition. Happy for her.
How i wish i could have that opportunity of people giving a hand and bunch of opportunity around. Stress having but good experience. I can feel that. Envy alot. Lots of thinking on my mind before and after. I hesitated from what i want and i don't know what i want already. Im lost. Im not happy to myself. ='[